Dr.'s In The House!

My two personal purrologists are on call 24/7 for me as I am for them. So, today as I lay in the bed feeling puny as all get out from the flu, they both ultimately landed on my chest. First on the scene was Dr. Liza, happy as ever to be near or on my body both in sickness and in health (she takes her oath very seriously) As she contentedly lay curled up on my right chest, Dr. Simon popped up on the bed and decided to add a second opinion! Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the feline dynamics here, let me just say that ANYTIME, and I do mean ANYTIME Liza has an opportunity to smack Simon, she most certainly does! He's gotten used to it and knows how to both dodge her punches or just not get within striking range!
Today though, perhaps due to his responsibilities as one of my personal physicians, he climbed up on my chest right next to Liza. She gave him a couple serious hisses, but I had ahold of her paws so she couldn't swat him! And to her credit she didn't get up in a huff and leave. Simon parked on the left side of my chest and began administering his purring meds! At first the two of them most definitely were NOT touching. But as time wore on and Liza, in particular, got more relaxed, they actually did slightly touch :) And there we lay in a little cozy pile, me feeling so grateful for such easy, restorative companionship. After a time Dr. Liza did find it necessary to go which then gave Dr. Simon the space to rearrange himself and park in the center of my chest tucked under my chin!!!

Morgan

Self Portrait: Morgan


Today it is two years since the time that our beloved Morgan abruptly shed this form...
and I can't help but feel now that as we were saying goodbye, someone(s) else was saying hello...to an amazing, radiant spirit

As any of us who have suddenly "lost" someone near and dear to our hearts do, I have reflected a LOT on life and death. I have nothing profound to say or any concrete conclusions as a result! Mostly it seems that my perceptions, understandings, circle of compassion and relations to all that is have grown bigger...and I am grateful for that, indeed.

Because her death was sudden and seemingly out of the blue, I live with a lingering low level "anxiousness"...a feeling that things could shift very suddenly and without warning and as a result, I need to hurry up...I'm aware of a place inside that has a hard time settling into itself. I'm guessing that place existed prior to Morgan's passing but got exascerbated by the nature of her death.

Thankfully the crushing, severe, heart wrenching pain I experienced for about a year subsided...otherwise I'd have experienced a "premature" demise! (see below)
The missing is still daily, but quieter mostly. There are some crumbling cries but they are a lot fewer. I hate that she's not in this form anymore. Hate it...it's lonesome without her.
My life...and Life Itself is being re-woven slowly...
and I perservere in my attempts to build relationship with Morgan now.

I think words matter hugely.
And so I have wrangled with something that was so often said in regard to Morgan's passing: that she died "prematurely." To be all the way honest, I'm not sure there is such a thing. And I also think that view reflects our inability to comprehend the bigness of existence. How could we possibly know? Yes, the loss was devastating, heartbreaking, painfully consuming...absolutely.
And yet there is something inside me that in its wholeness knows wholeness and so the term "premature" has no relevance.

I slept with her ashes next to my head last night
and I dreamt of receiving all kinds of support.

Miracles...

A friend has been dealing with life threatening cancer alongside a rare genetic disorder for over twenty years. She's outlived her prognosis by a long, long shot. Today in her blog she wrote:
"There have been so many death defying miracles in my long life. It is sometimes hard to remember that at some point death will be the miracle."

From Gangaji:

"Let us suspend what we know.

Let's not know the correct answer.

Let's not have it be wrong to feel a particular way. Let's take our conversation out of the realm of evaluation - right or wrong

Then it is possible to have a real conversation.

With a willingness to investigate in an open way, for the first time, we can freshly discover what is here."

Goal Setting

For those of you that know me personally, you know that setting goals isn't necessarily one of my strong suits! So, I just want to go on record as saying that I have a new goal. Before I die, I'd like to go to clown school. There, I said it.

My Front Porch

photo by: Gina Kelly

4 Year Old's Perspective

My four year old friend, Don, declared tonight with a very serious face on:
"you can't chew ice cream because it's wet!"

The Seven Dwarves of Menopause

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho!
Just fyi, I didn't make these up. A friend sent them my way ;)
I think I would exchange itchy for snarky myself!!!

The Rapture

I saw a new favorite bumper sticker that read:
come the rapture, can I have your car?
but I think there could be plenty of nouns one could insert in place of a car...
for instance: house, animal, wife, money, etc.!!!
I got to go look up the fellar that wrongly predicted The Rapture a number of times and see what the holy forecast is these days. I'll get back to you on this!

Bingo Addendum!

So, the week after the near riot during bingo I heard someone say: "that's HIM, the guy that played the NEW game." It was said in a conspiratorial tone laden with all kinds of meaning!!!

Shorty!

As I was waiting in a check out line I could both sense and see in my peripheral vision a big person walking up behind me. Next thing I know, I hear the guy say: "what's up, shorty?" I just started cracking up and it took me a minute to reply in any coherent way. Finally, I said: "not too many people can call me that." We both grinned a tall person's grin. He was 6'5" and sturdy looking...like the marlborough man!! I felt small and dainty next to him which is something I don't often feel in this body!

Buzz Oh Rama!

Todays event at the Senior Center was a chocolate tasting! Approximately 20 different chocolates from local artisans were available to sample along with 3 different kinds of champagne! After eating an entire plate of chocolates, my swimmy-headed 92 y.o. cohort wanted to eat MORE! I politely mentioned that she had just eaten more than the average bear might eat in one sitting. She was shocked and sure I was making it up. My suggestion to take the remainder home to her daughter was met with slight indignation but ultimately she surrendered to that plan. On the drive home we were talking about the event and when I again mentioned that she ate an entire plate of chocolates, she responded this time with: "oh my goodness, I hope I don't get pimples!!!"

Attending

I had the amazing gift of getting to sit with a person I did not know as she was in the process of dying in a hospital. It's part of a beauty-full program called No One Dies Alone. Volunteers sit vigil with the person during their journey out of the body.

My "shift" was from 3-6 a.m.
The drive to the hospital began the ethereal nature of the experience as it was extremely foggy...so much so that it was hard to see where I was going. Completely appropriate. Helped open and shape the holding I was about to undertake.
Once there, I sat quietly and did my best to attune to the person's energy...which was essentially what I did for the 3 hours...just tried to stay present and hold as big a space as possible...praying for her and her family...inviting relevant and benevolent energies to be with her...sending lots of love...listening to her breathing...feeling awed by the mystery of the dying process and the surrender inherent in not knowing...finding great comfort in that which permeates all of existence - body or no body.

time passed quickly...
i didn't feel particularly sad...but deeply content to share that space with another being...at home, actually.
and as I left the hospital I looked up to see a big, amazing moon shining down.

Spider and Mouse

O.K, this was a trippy thing that just happened.
A little spider appeared on the top of my open laptop...on the frame just above the screen. Just for fun, I moved the mouse/arrow just below where it was perched thinking it couldn't possibly see something on the screen. But to my complete and total surprise it SAW the arrow and actually went right towards it. I was completely shocked. So, I dragged the arrow a little ways down the screen and the spider followed. I swear! So, I kept making the arrow move and the spider followed everywhere it went and when the arrow got close enough, little spidey lunged as if were trying to capture prey. For some reason I was dumbfounded. So, then I started playing with spidey and made the arrow sneak up behind her and when she discovered it she jumped, quickly turned to face it and went after it again!
Right now she's on the outside of the computer just hanging out.
What a lucky and delight-full experience to have plopped right here in my world ;)

Senior Bingo!

The first time I took my elderly gal pal to the Senior Center for bingo I was surprised by how very serious folks were about the game. I'd imagined a benign, good-natured game. But, I'll tell you what, those oldsters  wanted to play by the rules (which everyone knew backwards and forwards!), keep the game moving at a surprisingly fast clip and they had no room for slackers or the hard of hearing/seeing/understanding!
Like many older people they also seemed to like all the routines inherent in the game and didn't appreciate anyone deviating from them one little lick. So, after winning the previous round a fella suggested a new way to play the next round (that's your perrrogative when you win is to call the next game). I thought there might be violence. People were visibly upset and cranky. There were some mean spirited comments made and more than a few faces scrunched up in frustration and anger. Fortunately, the 18 year old easy going guy that calls the game helped them navigate this turbulence with patience, a great sense of humor and a genuine appreciation for their struggles.
In telling this story to a friend, she suggested bingo protective gear. You know, like helmuts and mouth guards just in case!!!

New Terminology

In future blog installments I've decided to replace the words Alzheimers and Dementia with swimmy-headed! To me, it's a good way to loosen up and lighten up the whole kitten-kaboodle. Just imagine if while President Reagen had been alive the media had referred to his mental condition as swimmy-headedness instead of Alzheimers? See what I mean!!!

Happy Yellow Month!

Several years ago my friend, Morgan, and I dubbed February: "yellow month."
Wild mustard, daffodils and acacia trees all bloom here in northern California and it's a beautiful yellow sight!

Stinging Nettles

For reasons I don't understand, I have been hesitant to share this story. But now, for reasons I don't understand, I will!!!
There is a window of time in late April to mid May when I go and harvest stinging nettles. When collecting nettles it is good to wear long pants and long sleeves along with leather gloves because the plant does "sting." Though not terribly painful it is unpleasant and can last up to several days. People actually used to intentionally sting themselves to help relieve the pain of arthritis I think it was.
Nettles like moist environments and does really well in partial shade. I found a beauty-full creek beside which grows big bunches of nettles. It's such a lovely experience to listen to the water and the birds...to watch the dappled light play on the plants and make the water sparkly...and to bask in the deeper quiet. I always look forward to this adventure.
For those of you outside of northern california this may seem odd, but before I collect wild plants I like to sit with them and listen to the best of my ability (I certainly don't think of myself as a plant whisperer...but I do have honest intentions) Anyways, that day I parked myself right next to some nettles and just "listened."
What I "heard" was that I was to touch the plant bare handed! So, I gingerly began touching one of the leaves, expecting to feel that sting. But it never happened. I continued touching the leaves more contact-fully as my fear of being stung subsided. My mind really couldn't believe what was happening. I could feel my circuits blowing one after the other. It made no rational sense. At a certain point, I stopped touching the plant and just sat quietly. After a bit, I "heard" that I was to touch the plant again. As soon as I made contact with the leaf, I burst into tears and had a big, deep cry. For in that moment I realized in such a profound way that "REALITY" is what we believe it to be...that truth permeated every atom, every cell of my being and I was, for a moment, set free.