The Show Me State

I know that I live in a particularly left part of the country. You can find a little bit of everything round these parts. Kansas City, however, is another story. While progressive in some arenas, the collective consciousness is pretty dang dense. So, it should have come as no surprise that when I asked the TSA folks at the airport to hand check a little bag of essences that I instantly became a high risk passenger! Jeezo peezo. I handed the guy the bag of essences and then i was told i had to go thru the body scanner. Great. As soon as I was released from that procedure the guy said to me that because of the bag, they were going to have to pat me down. And the first thought in my head is: "if you think you are going to lay one of your 'mr. creepy man hands on my body, you are in for a fight.'
Fortunately for everyone he turned me over to two women. The first was the one who was going to actually do the pat down. As she was snapping on those icky rubber gloves (blue for those of you that care) she was describing in great detail where and how she was going to be touching my body...which by now is sweating profusely! Next to her stood a woman who looked like an older butch lesbian (BL). She was the bulldog security mama and was standing no more than a foot from me. Both of them were SO in my personal space that I was kinda wishing when they'd told me i had to be pat down i had taken my chances and bolted...this was excruciating. I was trying my best to find the humor in the situation...as i took the macro view it all seemed surreal and I smirked which i'm sure made me even more suspicious cuz it was right about the time that woman number one began the exam. However, she did have a good touch and i thought to myself that she'd make a decent bodyworker! So, she completed my back side and as she stepped in front of me to begin the front I said to her: "this is kind of an unusual job, isn't it?" She answered that it was but didn't miss a beat with the exam. She then moved to touch a part of my body that I just don't like to have touched and I instinctively recoiled. The BL lurched at me as if I was about to set off a bomb and it was her job to stop me!!! It wasn't all that funny in the moment but afterwards I found it hysterical. Anyways, because of that incident I had to go to a private room and explain myself to the female supervisor. Talk about sweating. My fear was that the babe was gonna force the issue, it was gonna get ugly very quickly and I would have to call my folks from jail! But to her credit she resolved it easily and then the four of us marched out of the private room as if in a parade!