Morgan

Self Portrait: Morgan


Today it is two years since the time that our beloved Morgan abruptly shed this form...
and I can't help but feel now that as we were saying goodbye, someone(s) else was saying hello...to an amazing, radiant spirit

As any of us who have suddenly "lost" someone near and dear to our hearts do, I have reflected a LOT on life and death. I have nothing profound to say or any concrete conclusions as a result! Mostly it seems that my perceptions, understandings, circle of compassion and relations to all that is have grown bigger...and I am grateful for that, indeed.

Because her death was sudden and seemingly out of the blue, I live with a lingering low level "anxiousness"...a feeling that things could shift very suddenly and without warning and as a result, I need to hurry up...I'm aware of a place inside that has a hard time settling into itself. I'm guessing that place existed prior to Morgan's passing but got exascerbated by the nature of her death.

Thankfully the crushing, severe, heart wrenching pain I experienced for about a year subsided...otherwise I'd have experienced a "premature" demise! (see below)
The missing is still daily, but quieter mostly. There are some crumbling cries but they are a lot fewer. I hate that she's not in this form anymore. Hate it...it's lonesome without her.
My life...and Life Itself is being re-woven slowly...
and I perservere in my attempts to build relationship with Morgan now.

I think words matter hugely.
And so I have wrangled with something that was so often said in regard to Morgan's passing: that she died "prematurely." To be all the way honest, I'm not sure there is such a thing. And I also think that view reflects our inability to comprehend the bigness of existence. How could we possibly know? Yes, the loss was devastating, heartbreaking, painfully consuming...absolutely.
And yet there is something inside me that in its wholeness knows wholeness and so the term "premature" has no relevance.

I slept with her ashes next to my head last night
and I dreamt of receiving all kinds of support.